“Children are like wet cement. Whatever falls on them makes an impression.” – Dr. Haim Ginott
Warning. The following post describes events and discusses material that may trigger or unnerve readers. We are here to flush out deep childhood memories and wounds. If you are uncomfortable with this, now or at any point, click out of this post. We want everyone to take this journey with us at their own pace. Thank you.
The following topic is one that requires countless hours of meditation and discussion to unpack the layers of trauma that each of us have to sort through in order to move toward a healthier state of mind. Memorable traumatic experiences are unique to the individual, however, pain is relative and something we can all relate to. Fears of abandonment and repression typically stem from events that occurred in our childhood regardless of our parents’ intention to make us feel this way or not.
The following is a visceral childhood memory from the author. This is Robyn’s story.
I had a congenital heart defect when I was five years old that needed to be corrected through surgery. I had to spend twelve nights alone in the hospital, an eternity for a child. It was 1963. Parents were not allowed to stay with their children at the hospital.
Day one was scary. After my parents admitted me, a volunteer, also referred to as a candy striper due the their red and white striped uniforms, gave me a tour of the hospital. She showed me where the surgery room entrance was located and explained how I would prep for surgery the following day. I was not happy to learn that I would not be allowed to wear underwear to the surgery – that I would be naked while in surgery. This disturbed me, but the volunteer reassured me that it would be okay. She then showed me where the hospital put on puppet performances for the patients.
Later that day, I was given an IV. The nurse stuck me with the needle and then taped my arm to a small board to stabilize the tubes and needle. I was not happy. I was scared and did not want that thing in my arm. It hurt and I wanted it out. I fought with the nurses and pulled the needle out of my arm and threw it. I wanted to go home. I was sad and felt alone. Orderlies came in to assist in holding my arms down so the nurse could reinsert the IV needle. I kicked and screamed. My arms and legs were then strapped to the bed to hold me still. I was given a shot in my thigh to put me to sleep.
Day two was surgery day. I do not remember day two and three as I was heavily sedated.
Day four, I woke up. My grandmother was by my side and asked how I felt. I told her I was happy and described the circus on the ceiling. Clowns were riding the merry-go-round. I rested a lot.Day five began with a good start. Other patients and I gathered in the hall to race wheel chairs and tricycles. One patient had been at the hospital for quite some time. Her skin was badly scarred and had no hair because a neighbor accidentally caught her dress on fire while lighting a match to burn the trash. She was so severely burned that she was confined to her hospital bed. Patients took turns pushing her bed in the races so she could play too. I will never forget that little girl.
The rest of the day was not as fun. My parents brought my four younger siblings to visit me, but my nurse did not allow them to come to my room. I had exceeded my permitted activity level for the day with the wheel chair races. The nurse told my parents that my siblings should visit at a later date as I was still recovering from the surgery. My parents took turns visiting me- one parent in my room, the other with my siblings in the lobby. I saw my mom first and after a while, she grabbed my dad. As she left my room, she told me she would return just before they all left to say goodnight. I then visited with my dad. After he left my room, I was alone for the rest of the night. I was disappointed I could not see my siblings, but I was absolutely crushed that my mom did not return to say goodnight. She said she would come back. She said she would say goodnight, but she did no such thing.
I did not want to believe my mom simply did not come back. I asked my nurses where my parents were and they told me my family had left for the evening. I felt the nurses were lying to me, but they told me repeatedly that they were indeed gone. I was scared, hurt, sad, lonely, angry. I felt betrayed. How could my mom leave without telling me goodnight? I needed comforting, but the nurses were too busy.
The nurses checked on me when I turned on the call light to ask for my mom, but eventually, they began to ignore my calls. I screamed as the nurses passed by my room without looking or checking on me. I threw toys in the hall to get their attention. I felt so helpless and alone every time they ignored me. Finally, they came to my bed and raised the sides, caging me in. I had no way to get out. I screamed louder, standing to hold the bars. I shook them and cried out like an animal at the zoo. Eventually, I needed to use the restroom while the nurses continued to ignore me. I relieved myself in my bed. I was humiliated by the stench and mess I made. I grew distraught and needed my mother’s comfort now more than ever. I needed love and attention. I was five years old, post-surgery. I had been alone for the last several nights. I wanted to know my mother loved me, I wanted assurance that everything was going to be okay.
In this moment, I remembered my mother’s words when she told me I needed to be grateful. A girl down the hall who underwent the same surgery did not have the fortunate outcome I did. This memory is cloudy and I may have misunderstood what that meant, but nonetheless, I needed to know, at that point, that I was going to be okay. The nurses smelled me and came to clean me up. I could feel their frustration with me. I cried myself to sleep. This memory brings tears to my eyes because the little girl in me still feels the sadness from that night so long ago. It was a traumatic incident with lasting feelings of abandonment.
Days six through twelve were a blur. I remember having visitors. We had more races in the hall. The puppet shows in the basement and story time were my favorite past-times. I felt something was wrong with me long after the surgery. I felt isolated from my peers. I had restricted activities for quite some time and had to frequent the hospital for x-rays, EKGs, and checkups. I was fully recovered by the time I was eight. I am forever grateful for the amazing medical treatment that extended my life. I am blessed.
Years later, at the age of 32, this story resurfaced while working with a therapist. We were discussing hospital stays as a child and abandonment issues. A short time later I brought up that night at the hospital while my mother and I were taking a walk. She immediately knew the night I was talking about and told me she had a migraine that night and had to leave. She felt bad for not telling me goodnight, but she just didn’t feel well. She had no idea how upset it would make me.
It helped to know that my mother had a migraine, that she was ill and had to leave. It helped knowing that she did not just leave without reason. My adult self felt guilty for being so angry that she did not return, but my five year old self felt forgotten and abandoned without explanation. I do not recall discussing this with my mother as a child. I do not remember ever asking her why she left that night without returning to say goodnight. During that time, kids were mostly seen and not heard. We were not encouraged to talk about our experiences or to ask many questions. We were punished if we were not obedient and cooperative. I had four younger siblings at the time of the surgery, my mother’s hands were full. I am grateful to have discussed this with my mother years later, however, feelings of abandonment linger in my adulthood because of this moment from my childhood.
Oh how fragile we are from the very beginning. Maybe fragile is not the right word, after all humans are resilient. Perhaps, impressionable is a better label- malleable, bendable. We are adaptive. We absorb the energy that surrounds us in order to move forward and grow. This formation begins when we are children, when we are precious and fresh from the cosmos. We are our most vulnerable selves at the start and for most of us, we learn how to mask this vulnerability as a defense against the world around us. Robyn’s story is deeply embedded in her memory as a source of abandonment. Though it was not her mother’s intention to abandon Robyn or make her feel abandoned, Robyn nonetheless experienced this traumatic moment and it followed her into her adulthood. Many children experience similar moments of abandonment & trauma, and sometimes, on a much larger scale. This large scale trauma is referred to as an Adverse Childhood Experience or ACE.
How can we make a world in which children do not have to learn to hide? What can we give to them that will make them feel safe and accepted from the very beginning? Learning the signs and effects of adversity is the foundation to the understanding caregivers will need in order to foster healthy beginnings for our children.
Scientists have set forth a mountain of evidence linking health issues in adult life to the psychological conditions of our childhood. Children who endure sexual, physical, or emotional trauma and/or a continual cycle of trauma are more likely to have heart related issues, high blood pressure, chronic pain due to stress, and more. I have added the entirety of Dr. Nadine Burke Harris’s lecture on the effects of adverse childhood experiences across a lifetime at the bottom of this post. She examines years of research that establish the truth behind these claims and it is a great foundation for this topic. She states specifically, “High doses of adversity not only affect brain structure and function, they affect the developing immune system, developing hormonal systems, and even the way our DNA is read and transcribed.” I encourage everyone reading this post to examine this research. She emphasizes the groundbreaking research study published in 1998 titled Relationship of Childhood Abuse and Household Dysfunction to Many of the Leading Causes of Death in Adults The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study. This study was the beginning of a new lens through which to study and examine adverse childhood experiences. The Institute of Human Development, Child and Youth Health (IHDCYH) present the following summary of this topic:
Let’s take a step back. Let us recall scents, noises, moments that trigger us – that make us feel anxious or angry. What do you feel happening inside your body? Do your shoulders tense? Your neck tighten? Your breath shorten? Does this compel you to drink, reach for a smoke, or utilize other substances to lessen the pain? When does this pain begin? Where does your mind take you when you conjure memories? What is the earliest memory of sadness you can recall? Almost everyone’s answer to this question is childhood. Our earliest moments of suffering occurred in our foundational stages of childhood and regardless of our parents’ intentions, the suffering was endured nonetheless. This trauma formed many of our habits whether we recognize it or not. Some people mask their emotional pain with food, many TV, and most often, with substances and the abuse thereof.
Now, let’s think of the children in our lives and the life we hope to provide them. What are things we can do for our children to prevent subjecting them to the pain we endured as children? We can offer the love and nourishment we craved when we were little. For example, Robyn’s youngest daughter, Emily, was hospitalized at four years old. Because of Robyn’s traumatic experience as a child in the hospital, Robyn refused to leave her daughter’s bedside. Robyn would wait for her eldest daughter, Cynthia, to come sit with Emily when Robyn needed to use the restroom. She did this to ensure Emily was never alone while in the hospital. We can ask our children about their day & listen closely to the details. We can read them a book before they go to bed. We can play basketball or take them to the park. Most importantly, we can watch for the signs of adverse experiences. Many children in our life are not our own. They are the students in our classroom, our friends’ children, our nieces and nephews, our little cousins, and so on. We can take the time to check-in with these little ones and be a listening ear. We can allow them to feel safe with us that way they might feel comfortable enough to open up and tell us experiences they are enduring.
Most of our actions are well-intentioned, but it is inevitable to slip-up and cause pain. These mistakes are on a spectrum between skipping a ballet recital for work to getting a divorce and beyond. It is nearly impossible to for a child to come out of their childhood unscathed. Life is out of our control sometimes and we cannot shelter children from everything. What we can do to make up for this inevitability is communicate with our children, be a soundboard for their feelings and fears. We can explain the dark hours. It is often in moments of stress that we turn to projection and anger. We shut our children out because adult life can be too much for even the adult. We feel our child might not understand our behavior and our life or that we should not emotionally dump onto our children. Boundaries certainly exist, and as I have stated before, we can spare the details while being vulnerable. We unintentionally neglect our children by avoiding open communication in our darkest hours. And it’s true that they will not understand everything, but they do understand feelings. Children are soulful and often comfort us more than we hope to comfort them. This is the beauty of love. We can all try our best.
-Grace Pavlovec & Robyn Weible
I want to leave you guys with something light. This guided meditation walks the listener through steps of forgiveness. I listen to it often. Enjoy!
The following is an excerpt from Dr. Nadine Burke Harris’s revealing lecture on childhood trauma & its effects on health across a lifetime. It was the inspiration for this post and demands attention.
It turns out this is exactly where the science comes in. We now understand better than we ever have before how exposure to early adversity affects the developing brains and bodies of children. It affects areas like the nucleus accumbens, the pleasure and reward center of the brain that is implicated in substance dependence. It inhibits the prefrontal cortex, which is necessary for impulse control and executive function, a critical area for learning. And on MRI scans, we see measurable differences in the amygdala, the brain’s fear response center. So there are real neurologic reasons why folks exposed to high doses of adversity are more likely to engage in high-risk behavior, and that’s important to know.
But it turns out that even if you don’t engage in any high-risk behavior, you’re still more likely to develop heart disease or cancer.
How childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime by Nadine Burke Harris
Works Cited & Additional Resources
Felitti, Vincent J., MD, FACP. Anda, Robert F., MD, MS. Nordenberg, Dale, MD. Williamson, David F., MS, PhD.
Spitz, Alison M., MS, MPH. Edwards, Valerie, BA. Koss, Mary P., PhD. Marks, James S., MD, MPH. “Relationship of Childhood Abuse and Household Dysfunction to Many of the Leading Causes of Death in Adults The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study.” https://www.ajpmonline.org/article/S0749-3797(98)00017-8/pdf, American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 1998.
Harris, Nadine Burke. “Transcript of ‘How Childhood Trauma Affects Health across a Lifetime.’” TED, 2014, https://www.ted.com/talks/nadine_burke_harris_how_childhood_trauma_affects_health_across_a_lifetime/transcript?language=en.